Hello world. The following was written 12/08/2014.
On the journey there are many experiences we have which seem to repeat themselves, over and over until we recognize those repeating patterns and ask ourselves what it is we are experiencing and why we keep experiencing it. On my own journey I have experienced death, many times. It is a pattern which has repeated itself, since I was born.
There have been a handful of death experiences, which have stayed with me. Those experiences were when I would be outside of my body, watching what was happening to my body as others worked frantically on me, to bring me back to life. Then there are those experiences which left me dependent on those around me, for my very survival. It is in those moments we find ourselves faced, with what we are and have been choosing for ourselves to believe, so Be.
Standing, looking down at my body as the P.E. teacher is giving me CPR. Hearing the thoughts in her mind and her mumbled words, as she works frantically to get me breathing again of, “Please baby, breath, just breath for me. Damn it breath. Come on baby breath for me.” All while administering, CPR to me.
Laying back down in my body and opening my eyes to see her heart felt tears. I could feel her love as she worked on me. Her love is what pulled me back into my body, more than anything. I was free to go right then, and I chose to come back and continue. This was my choice to be here and continue to live out, what was and is my life.
As I walk, placing one foot in front of the other, I have a profound appreciation for this freedom of movement. To be able to place one foot in front of the other, and move under my own physical power without an artificial aide. It was not until I experienced being as helpless as a baby, this appreciation has come upon me so strongly. The simple acts of washing my hair, brushing it, feeding myself and wiping my own ass, is taken for grant. When one cannot do these things for themselves, they suddenly find themselves unable to sustain their illusions any longer. They are no longer an island unto themselves and must now rely on, the generosity of others. Any walls they may have built must then be torn down, if they have any hopes of surviving the trials they must now endure.
To lose the freedom to do for ones self, is a devastating impact on the mental, emotional and Spiritual well being, of the Soul within the body. At the time the lines become so blurred as to what is or isn’t, the pain overwhelms all reason to differentiate between a beginning and end, within the shell. We can no longer tell we are not our bodies, in those moments. The physical pain conforms our mental thinking to a narrow band. The only thought upper most is to make the pain go away, even if it means to stop breathing all together.
In those moments we actual fantasize and dream of death, as an escape from the agony we are enduring. The pain is no longer just physical, at that moment. It has become an emotional and mental vice, gripping us tighter and tighter. In those moments, I found myself giving way, to my agony fully. Realizing I couldn’t do anything by myself and I must trust in others, to be there to support me in my hour of need. To openly speak of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and fears. To let go, of whatever control I thought I had, for everything.
My lessons, where many and very harsh. The path I thought was my path, wasn’t. Everything I thought gave me value and purpose, didn’t. As I found myself handing over everything I thought was my purpose and value to someone else, I realized in all these things I am easily replaceable. I was replaceable, because these things were not my function and purpose here. These are not, what gives me my value.
As I recognized these facts, I went down a dark, dark rabbit hole. I then began to see myself, as valueless. I had become no more then a burden, to those around me. They suffered me, out of guilt and pity. I could no longer take care of, my home and family. I was no longer contributing, to our success.
My medical issues, were many. The deepest devastation, is realizing I may never be able to be intimate with my Husband again. I may have to let him find someone else, to satisfy his needs in all ways. I was no longer worthy to be called a woman, in my own eyes. So, how could he or anyone else, possibly consider me one? Alice in Wonderland welcomed me fully, in this moment. When I hit the bottom of this barrel, I was ready to give up and let go. I wanted to die. Still, something in me would not let me.
I asked myself, if there really is a God? I asked why I was spared the death, I saw coming at me. My motorcycle wrapped around the telephone pole. My lifeless body, laying there tangled in the barbed wire which decapitated me. Was I spared, only to continue suffering even worse, then I had as a child?
No longer did I fear polio taking away my ability to walk. No, this time it was doing cartwheels on drainage rocks, at 50 mph which was going to do it for me. Laying there bedridden, unable to feed or bath myself any longer. The Voiceless Voice I heard, when I realized I wouldn’t make the turn. The question I asked in the moment, “Oh my God. I am not going to make it. What do I do God? My Husband and Son are with me. What do I do?” Your answer, “Just close your eyes and relax.” In that instant I trusted fully, the Voiceless Voice I heard without a thought to doing otherwise.
I trusted fully in the voice. A month later, as I lay in bed the doubts rolled in, with the pain and self pity. Did I just imagine, the Voiceless Voice? Do I deserve, all of this? Why have I been made to suffer, all these travesties? Was I such a horrible Being, not even my family wanted to have me? Was this to be, my lot in life? To love so completely, only to have it all snatched away, because I was unworthy? What is it, I really believe? I asked myself again, if there really is a God?
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.