Hello world. The following was written 12/12/2014.
Holy Spirit and my Guides have been working overtime. I am feeling very grateful at the moment. Hearing the immediate differences in presenters on Awakening Together has brought some clarity for me. I can listen to someone speaking softly and not agree with them and have no other reactions. Yet, someone gets on and has anger in their voice, are very loud to the point of screaming and I can’t listen. My whole body tightens as if I am about to be beaten. Quite the understanding in perceptions was being handed to me there.
As a child tone of voice was a cue for me. When a tone of irritation began, the pain started. I learned to try and be somewhere else at those times. I also learned it didn’t matter if I was a good little girl. Once I had been touched I was no longer good and clean. I was still going to be punished no matter what I did or did not do. That had been reinforced again and again for 15 years. Each time the punishments started it was that tone of irritation.
A gritting, biting, choking need to vent their rage at the world at large. Unable to do so I was the next best thing. You may have a memory of walking into a place and being given a cold shoulder by most the Beings there or maybe it was that first day on the job and no one knows who you are so everyone has their heads together in whispers. Only a brave few step forward right away to say hello and offer a friendly hug. Now imagine that being your family doing that to you because you were touched by some man. You are to be seen and not heard. You try to say anything and get backhanded. It isn’t to be spoken of. It didn’t happen. Say you are making it all up. That was my experience growing up.
The rage emanating from those around me. Frustrated rage they had no way to vent or of knowing how to vent in a healthy constructive way. Their rage wasn’t just at me. It was at themselves as well. I was a reminder of what they think they failed to do. Protect the innocent. They forgot in their own fear, guilt and shame that I am still innocent. But more than that was in realizing that what I am experiencing in these moments of someone reaching that one tone and going beyond it is their own hidden rage at themselves for not getting whatever lesson it is they believe they are supposed to be learning. In that moment I can feel how deeply that emotion is eating at them as it attaches itself to every word and sound dripping from their mouth. It becomes a physical entity standing over me. Ready to reinforce every word and syllable with a sharp painful blow to some part of me. When their rage is too much I must disconnect fast or be overwhelmed with a terror at the rage contained in that heart to the point of getting physically ill.
Words are but symbols of symbols. They will only hold the meaning you attach to them. When you say all the right words but do not believe or mean what you say I hear it and FEEL IT. Holy Spirit and my Guides keep telling me to ask what it is you truly believe in and place your faith into. You say you believe this and that. Why? What gives you this faith to believe this is Truth? What was the moment or were there many that showed you the way and the Light? What is it that you are holding as Truth in your heart? I have found that everything I hold as Truth is from experience and not a book I read or something I was told. Holy Spirit and my Guides have rung my bell tonight with the reminder I am empathic. I can hear my brothers’ calls for love and answer them with love. I am seeing them beating themselves up inside so horribly. My heart bleeds for this suffering they play out. The word I am being given for this is Punishment. What I am experiencing is the punishment they are meting out to themselves.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.