Hello world. The following was written 12/17/2016.
I have been looking at a belief I held, which felt as if I had a yolk about my throat. A yoke harnessing me, to the heaviest of burdens. A yoke, which was choking me slowly, to death. The burden of the belief, in obligation.
I held a belief I was obligated, to financially support my extended family. Such as, my in-laws and my own parents, Uncles, Aunts, cousins, and siblings. I was obligated, to accept their judgments and opinions, of my Husband and I. I was obligated, to give in to their dictates, even when it did not resonate within my own heart. To keep the peace, I had to bite my tongue and accept their recriminations of my Husband and I, silently.
For a very long time, I found myself faced with the spoken and unspoken judgments, of my family. Their judgments would envelope me in layer upon layer, of dark emotional energy, until I felt like I was suffocating. In every instant, they were wanting me to pick and choose between them and my Husband. The same was happening, with his family. None of them were willing, to accept our choices of a life mate. None of them were willing, to let go their judgments and just love us as we are.
This past Thanksgiving, for the first time in 18 years, my Mother In-Law and her Husband, finally accepted me as I am. It was such a change from every previous experience, my heart was singing as we left to come home.
A week later, I was hit full force with the exact opposite, of this loving energy. I was faced with a very angry mother, who judged I had slighted her and the rest of the family, in some way. In her angry diatribe, she screamed out her denouncement of me as her daughter. Stating, I needed to decide when I wanted my mother more.
She had purposefully left off the “than some man”, is the impression I am given. She wants me to choose her, over my Husband and the relationship I have with him. She thinks, I should be blindly following, believing, doing and maybe even supporting her, because she gave birth to me.
It is only now, weeks later, I am understanding the service which has been done for me, by my mother ending her “connection” to me. Her disowning of me, has released me from a belief in a burden, of obligation. A belief, I was responsible for her, in any way.
I was holding a belief, because she was my mother, I was responsible for taking care of her in any way she asked or demanded. A belief, I had to accept any and all, of her judgmental opinions of me, of us. This belief, extended to the rest of our family too. In some way, I owed her, for giving me life and he owed them. It kept twisting into this ugly dark monster, which hung over us endlessly.
Her choosing to sever the relationship as she did, has helped me to look closely at what I was believing. How I was blindly accepting, what she said and did, just as I did as a small child. The learned pattern of blindly following, believing and doing as she willed, was a carry over from my childhood which has haunted me, all of my life.
The cutting of this tie, has released me fully to be as I AM and not as she would have me be. It has shown me one more hidden string, which has kept the baggage in its place, hidden in the folds of the robes of time, which surround me. The ever present, illusion. Created to hide the Truth, of who I truly am. Within this shell game, of beliefs.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.