Hello world. The following was written 12/17/2016.
I have been looking at a belief I held that felt as if I had a yolk about my throat harnessing me to the heaviest of burdens that was choking me slowly to death. The burden of the belief in obligation.
I held a belief that I was obligated to financially support my extended family. Such as my in-laws and my own parents, Uncles, Aunts, cousins, and siblings. That I was obligated to accept their judgments and opinions of my Husband and I. That I was obligated to give in to their dictates even when it did not resonate within my own heart. That to keep the peace I had to bite my tongue and accept their recriminations of me and my Husband silently.
For a very long time I found myself faced with the spoken and unspoken judgments of my family. Their judgments would envelope me in layer upon layer of dark emotional energy until I felt like I was suffocating. In every instant they were wanting me to pick and choose between them and my Husband and the same was happening with his family. None of them were willing to accept our choices of a life mate. None of them were willing to let go their judgments and just love us as we are.
This past Thanksgiving for the first time in 18 years my Mother In-Law and her Husband had finally accepted me as I am. It was such a change from every previous experience that my heart was singing as we left to come home.
A week later I was hit full force with the exact opposite of that loving energy. I was faced with a very angry mother who judged that I had slighted her and the rest of the family in some way. In her angry diatribe she screamed out her denouncement of me as her daughter. That I needed to decide when I wanted my mother more.
She had purposefully left off the “than some man” is the impression I am given. That she wants me to choose her over my Husband and the relationship I have with him. That I should be blindly following, believing, doing and maybe even supporting her because she gave birth to me.
It is only now weeks later that I am understanding the service that has been done for me by my mother ending her “connection” to me. Her disowning of me has released me from a belief in a burden of obligation. A belief that I was responsible for her in any way.
I was holding a belief that because she was my mother I was responsible for taking care of her in any way she asked or even demanded. That I had to accept any and all of her judgmental opinions of me, of us. That belief extended to the rest of our family too. That in some way I owed her for giving me life and he owed them and it kept twisting into this ugly dark monster that hung over us endlessly.
Her choosing to sever the relationship as she did has helped me to look closely at what I was believing. How I was blindly accepting what she said and did just as I did as a small child. That learned pattern of blindly following and believing and doing as she willed was a carry over from my childhood that has haunted me all of my life.
The cutting of that tie has released me fully to be as I AM and not as she would have me be. It has showed me one more hidden string that has kept the baggage in its place hidden in the folds of the robes of time that surround me. That ever present illusion created to hide the Truth of who I truly am within this shell game of beliefs.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.