Hello world. The following was written 7/06/2017.
The following is a sharing and the review I was doing of what had been experienced up to that point on my journey. How I seem to do a strange dance within me of placing “myself” into a container, then set myself aside as I answer my brothers calls for love.
I have been sitting here looking at the events happening within my own life in the last eight years, in the last three months, and even the last three weeks. Of how everything can change in the blink of an eye. I am looking at how one can seem to be doing everything right or correct and yet everything that can go wrong does.
Eight years ago my Husband and I had our home foreclosed on during the housing bubble. Following that situation we were offered an opportunity by a family member to purchase another home through them. A contract was written up and signed by all concerned regarding this “sale”. Unfortunately there was only one copy of this contract and that family member said they lost the only copy of that contract shortly there after.
What followed this was years of pain and suffering when that family member refused to sign a new contract and instead tried to make us renters. Constantly holding eviction over our heads as a means of controlling us. Even going so far as to hire a property management company to do their dirty work of Tenancy Termination. Basically an eviction notice.
We received the termination notice around 3 months ago. In that time we found ourselves scrambling to find a place to live believing we had no legal rights open and available to us. The contract that was signed was missing. Every home or apartment we looked at was to expensive or did not permit us to keep our Pit Bull. The only other option as we could see it was to try and find a motorhome.
On June 17th we found and purchased a motorhome that was in need of repairs and some work. On the surface we new she had a bad fuel pump, the gas tank was removed, her roof has damage and leaks, and her registration was out of date. We knew she could not be driven and would have to be towed in that condition. These were the things we “knew” about. Boy was there a lot more to deal with than was first thought.
The same day we purchased “Cora” (She is a 1995 Fleetwood Coronado Pace Arrow and is 33′ long) we also purchased/ordered a replacement fuel pump and a number of other items that would be needed to complete that repair and a couple of other repairs. Approximately one week later Cora was delivered to our home.
Now here is were life starts to get interesting. Two days after having purchased that motorhome we found the missing contract for this house. That family member had had a paranoid episode while visiting us and had hidden those papers in our storage room. We had no clue they were here in this house all these years. Our storage room holds personal and business equipment that is used maybe once or twice a year so is not often accessed. In our mad scramble to begin clearing out stuff and begin packing to move out we found those documents that have been missing for 6–7 years.
Two days after finding that signed contract we were able to get help dealing with the nightmare we have found ourselves in for the last 8 years. We had to clear out our savings to purchase that motorhome and the parts needed to fix her and to pay for the legal help we need. As more and more stuff seems to be piling up on us we find ourselves struggling to take even a single step forward.
Over the last two weeks and this past weekend we worked on Cora. As we waited for parts to be delivered we worked on things like the batteries, generator, plumbing and such. Over the weekend Alex was able to install a new fuel pump. He was able to raise the 100 lb gas tank into place and get it hooked up himself with minimal help from me. He was able to run electrical lines for new gauges to monitor fuel pressure, voltage and amperage. This past weekend we were able to not only get her up and running, we also got her drivable, smogged, registered and insured too. We replaced the bushings on the rear sway bar and will be working on the front one this weekend. We have gotten all of this done in the two weeks we have had her in our physical possession. There is still a heck of a lot to do though.
Alex and I have been talking about how we found ourselves in an untenable situation just a few months ago. We were looking at being homeless. At having to have our animal put down because of their breed. Of having to spend every penny we have on a vehicle that isn’t even running on a hope and a prayer that we would be able to get her up and running again after sitting for two years torn apart and in pieces. Of how as the nightmare got darker, death became more and more appealing as an escape for us both.
As we were looking back on the timing of everything we began to have questions come up that have no answers yet. Why would we be guided to buy that motorhome and then find the original contract for this house two days later. We have no answers other than everything that is happening and that we are experiencing is for our benefit and through us, all of Humanity.
Whatever it is we are experiencing here, it has been chaotic and devastatingly painful mentally, emotionally, and physically for both of us. What effects my Husband also effects me and vice versa. What I experience and do will and does effect my Husband. Hell what we are experiencing also effects our animal companions. They can feel everything we are going through even if they cannot express it as we do. They know and understand just how scared, frustrated, and angry we were at the situation we found ourselves in. They understood that some part or portion had to do with them too. That we were afraid for them and what was going to happen to them if we could no longer take care of them.
In the last few weeks we have experienced so many twists and turns and emotional upheavals that it has felt as if a cyclone has come through our lives. Yet, we may only be in the eye of the storm for a moment. I recognize this aspect of everything. Of how we are in the eye of the storm and there is still more coming for us to get through. This particular episode is not yet over.
As Alex and I have been discussing everything we have been experiencing it was pointed out to me by my Guides just how silent I have been. That I have not been expressing any of the things I am experiencing due to this situation. Alex pointed something out to me too. He stated that during all of this as he has his spiraling moments I am there supporting him and grounding him.
As we spoke I started understanding how I place myself in a holding pattern. It is as if I am putting everything in a container and placing it on a shelf. When I am able I will pull it out, open it up, and review what it contains. Such as I am doing here and now. Until then it will sit there without effect. I am shown a door closing as if all connection to those things are completely cut off from me. I am told it is so I am able to take in and understand what Alex is going through without my own stuff clogging up what is seen.
Being empathic has its ups and downs. Experiencing the pain and suffering of those around me can be stressful to say the least. Especially when I was not aware of what it is I am able to and can do. Back then it had me believing I was going insane and having a mental breakdown. Now that I am aware of this ability I am able to discern what is mine and what is theirs. I had to do a lot of work to get that understanding though. I had to start paying attention to what I was thinking, feeling physically and emotionally to see what was mine and what was not. Connect the Dots!!!
As I am looking at and reviewing all I have been experiencing I am seeing the things I am still working on. Things such as the fury that comes when I witness a brother purposefully harming another brother. I am still working on my own understanding of how this situation is of benefit to me. How these trials and tribulations I watch my brothers experience is of benefit to me.
The answer I keep hearing is that everything that I am experiencing and my brothers are experiencing are happening to show us what we no longer desire to experience. We are being given a chance to choose again and choose differently this time. We have to “see” what we do not want in order to choose what we do want. So much information going through my head right now. So many pictures to shuffle through and question what their purpose is.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.