Hello world. The following was written 3/16/2015.
I have been going through my closet and clearing out anything that no longer fits me. I did this about 2 years ago. At the time I had been losing weight and had plateaued around 180–190 lbs. I had gone from a 26–28 in dresses or 275 lbs. to a size 16–18 in dresses or 180 lbs. I have stayed there for 2 years. I am now losing weight again and am now at 168 lbs. Other than a handful of items everything I own is falling off me literally.
I just earned a little bit of spending money a few weeks ago. Now I can do some much needed shopping for clothes. I have a problem though. I hate shopping for anything. My joy for shopping died long ago when I was faced with nothing but judgments, recriminations and nasty looks from those around me in the stores.
I understand why I have hated shopping. For many years it was a depressing, fearful, humiliating experience. Each time I needed to get new clothes I would have to get larger and larger sizes. I remember the degradation I felt at my largest. Barely able to walk and never without a cane or a walker. I would see the looks of disgust and hear the snide comments from strangers, friends, and family alike. I stopped looking at my reflection because I stopped loving myself. Every time I looked in the mirror I would hear their words ringing in my ears and see the ugliness of their judgmental grotesquely twisted faces judging me.
Wow, that was a very powerfully painful experience to go through. Looking back on my experiences and seeing exactly what I was experiencing in those moments mentally, emotionally and physically. How tormented I felt anytime I had to go out into the public let alone go shopping. Now, as I lose weight and look at my reflection I still see the road map of stretch marks across my stomach. I see the sagging skin. I see what others laugh at, have ridiculed me for and still do. People can be ignorant.
As I look at my reflection now, I look with eyes of love. I see each stretch mark and scar as a lesson in acceptance, gratitude, and love. Now as I look around me I am seeing others as me. If my life could be torn apart so drastically in the blinking of an eye why not theirs? For 38 years I ate food I was allergic to and didn’t know it. I stopped ignoring what my body was telling me when I reached my bottom.
How many others are at their bottom? If all these experiences could happen to me so suddenly, they could happen to others just as suddenly. We are no different here. We all go through similar events within our lives. We are all striving for and experiencing the exact same things. We are all the same.
When I hit my bottom I prayed, haha. Actually, I believe I told God either He give me clear specific guidance on how to get out of the mess I was in or I was done and going to check out and come home.
STILL HERE! Guess that says it all, doesn’t it?
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.