Hello world. The following was written 6/17/2017.
The following occurred a year ago. This is the nightmare my Husband and I were dealing with in our lives, when a family member decided to negate a written contract we had with them, as if it did not exist. The turmoil it created within us both and how we tend to ignore and push things away, when we feel another needs our strength.
I am looking at some things I am and have been experiencing of late in a very deep way. I am looking within at my thoughts and feelings and some judgments I seem to be holding as well.
My Husband and I just got home from looking at a couple of RV/Motor Homes. On our way home we started talking about the situation with his aunt and this house we were supposed to be buying from her. I found myself verbalizing how I was feeling about her and the situation she created with her greed and avarice. Until I opened my mouth and spoke I did not realize how much it had been eating at me within. These underlining thoughts and feelings would come up. Thoughts and feelings such as hoping this house burns down and she goes to jail for tax fraud and so many other crooked things she does.
I found myself saying to my husband, if we have anymore kids they will never meet her. She will never have anything to ever do with them. I am seriously hoping her son never has any children while she is alive. She has shown just how controlling and manipulating she can be and she does not care about anyone or anything but money, control, and power. I was very shocked at my want and desire to see her hurting and suffering as she has made others hurt and suffer in the 18 years I have had the misfortune of knowing her. (I am recognizing my egoistic thoughts chiming in here very loudly)
Right now I am looking deeply and closely at these thoughts and feelings flowing in and out of my mind and body. At the recognition of judgments and beliefs held about family. Of who and what they are and what we are taught they are supposed to be. Of how my own family seem to be made from the same material as my Husband’s aunt and family.
I will say this though, after I spoke what I was experiencing within me, I felt an immediate release of the tensions which had been building silently within me. In many ways I was ignoring what was happening within me, as I found myself needed as support for my husband and what he was experiencing in regards the situation. I recognize I have a habit of placing myself last and everyone else first. Of ignoring my own feelings in lieu of those around me, thinking their need is greater than my own.
In everything I am making all choices and decisions to experience what I am. It is only when I finally choose to look at these things willingly, release and healing occur. The angst I had been feeling subconsciously surfaced today and was finally looked at instead of being ignored. I am now working my process to fully release that which has been held within me, all unknowingly.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.