Hello world. The following was written 12/09/2014.
On the journey there are many experiences we have that seem to repeat themselves over and over until we recognize those repeating patterns and ask ourselves what it is we are experiencing and why we keep experiencing it. On my own journey I have experienced death many times. It is a pattern that has been repeating itself since I was first born. There have been a handful of those death experiences which have stayed with me. Those experiences were when I would be outside of my body watching what was happening to my body as others worked frantically on me to bring me back to life. Then there are those experiences which left me dependent on those around me for my very survival. It is in those moments we find ourselves faced with what we are and have been choosing for ourselves to believe so Be.
Standing, looking down at my body as the P.E. teacher is giving me CPR. Hearing the thoughts in her mind and her mumbled words as she works frantically to get me breathing again of, “Please baby, breath, just breath for me. Damn it breath. Come on baby breath for me.” All while administering CPR to me. Laying back down in my body and opening my eyes to see her heart felt tears. I could feel her love as she worked on me. Her love is what pulled me back into my body more than anything. I was free to go right then and I chose to come back and continue. This was my choice to be here and continue to live out what was and is my life.
As I walk, placing one foot in front of the other I have a profound appreciation for this freedom of movement. To be able to place one foot in front of the other and move under my own physical power without an artificial aide. It was not until I experienced being as helpless as a baby that this appreciation has come upon me so strongly. The simple acts of washing my hair, brushing it, feeding myself and wiping my own ass is taken for grant. When one cannot do these things for themselves they suddenly find themselves unable to sustain their illusions any longer. They are no longer an island unto themselves and must now rely on the generosity of others. Any walls they may have built must then be torn down if they have any hopes of surviving the trials they must now endure.
To lose the freedom to do for ones self is a devastating impact on the mental, emotional and Spiritual well being of the Soul within the body. At that time the lines become so blurred as to what is or isn’t, that the pain overwhelms all reason to differentiate between a beginning and end within the shell. We can no longer tell that we are not our bodies in those moments. That physical pain conforms our mental thinking to a narrow band. The only thought upper most is to make the pain go away even if it means to stop breathing all together. In those moments we actual fantasize and dream of death as an escape from the agony we are enduring. This pain is no longer just physical at that moment. It has become an emotional and mental vice gripping us tighter and tighter. In those moments I found myself giving way to my agony fully. Realizing that I couldn’t do anything by myself and that I must trust in others to be there to support me in my hour of need. To openly speak of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and fears. To let go of whatever control I thought I had for everything.
My lessons where many and very harsh. The path I thought was my path wasn’t. Everything I thought gave me value and purpose didn’t. As I found myself handing over every single thing I thought was my purpose and value to someone else, I realized that in all these things I am easily replaceable. I was replaceable because these things were not my function and purpose here. These are not what gives me my value. As I recognized these facts I went down a dark, dark rabbit hole. I then began to see myself as valueless. I had become no more then a burden to those around me. They suffered me out of guilt and pity. I could no longer take care of my home and family. I was no longer contributing to our success. My medical issues were many. The deepest devastation is realizing that I may never be able to be intimate with my Husband again. That I may have to let him find someone else to satisfy his needs in all ways. I was no longer worthy to be called a woman in my own eyes. So, how could he or anyone else possibly consider me one? Alice in Wonderland welcomed me fully in that moment. When I hit the bottom of that barrel I was ready to give up and let go. I wanted to die then. Still, something in me would not let me.
I asked myself if there really is a God. I ask why I was spared the death I saw coming at me. My motorcycle wrapped around that telephone pole. My lifeless body laying there tangled in the barbed wire that decapitated me. Was I spared only to continue suffering even worse then I had as a child? No longer did I fear polio taking away my ability to walk. No, this time it was doing cartwheels on drainage rocks at 50 mph that was going to do it for me. Laying there bedridden. Unable to feed or bath myself any longer. The Voiceless Voice I heard when I realized I wouldn’t make that turn. The question I asked in that moment. “Oh my God. I am not going to make it. What do I do God? My Husband and Son are with me. What do I do?” Your answer, “Just close your eyes and relax.” In that instant I trusted fully the Voiceless Voice I heard without a thought to doing otherwise. I trusted fully in that voice. Yet a month later as I lay in bed the doubts rolled in with the pain and self pity. Did I just imagine that Voiceless Voice ? Do I deserve all of this? Why have I been made to suffer all these travesties? Was I such a horrible Being that not even my family wanted to have me? Was this to be my lot in life? To love so completely only to have it all snatched away because I was unworthy? What is it I really believe? I asked myself again, if there really is a God.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.