Hello world. The following was written 8/19/2016.
Last night my Husband Alex and I decided to go out to eat. We went to a place we have patronized for many years, so are well known by those who work there. As we were being seated I was teasing the waiter about asking us if there was only two of us. I said no there are five of us, wait I am wearing glasses and seeing five of us and not just the two, playing on the whole line about four eyes, lol. There were only three other tables filled at the time. One with a couple in their 50–60’s.
We chose a table just past this couple. As we sat down and were discussing what we were going to eat I watched over my Husband’s shoulder as the man at the table behind him got up and went to the restroom. The woman continued to eat as she waited for him to return.
A few minutes later my attention was pulled from my Husband as the man was returning to his table. The man was not watching where he was going or what he was doing. Instead the man was staring at me as he was walking. As I met his eyes he kept walking towards me with an intent to possess which could not be mistaken. It was as if he forgot where he was and who he was with. He barely caught himself as he started to walk past his own table and companion. When he did catch himself he immediately turned back to his table and sat down. I immediately mentioned what I had just witnessed and experienced to my Husband.
Ten minutes later I could feel someone staring at me. I looked up to see the couple at the register. As she was paying their bill, he stood behind her staring at me. I recognized something about this entire situation bothered me. I was asking Holy Spirit why I was feeling so bothered by the mans actions and my reactions.
As Alex and I were driving home we started talking about what I experienced and was experiencing. His response was, the mans actions bespoke of a dissatisfaction with his companion. An understanding was coming to me which showed a leaning towards infidelity or lying and cheating as it were. The very fact he was forgetting he was with her said he was not committed to their relationship.
What happened with this man had me asking questions and looking within at what I was feeling, thinking and experiencing. I felt nausea, a tightening of my body in fear and anxiety. Discomfort he was focusing his attentions on me and not his companion. Feeling his intent to possess as he walked towards me. All of these “feelings” I have experienced before as a child just before a molestation or rape. What I was experiencing was an instinctual need to get away as fast as possible.
My training from birth has taught me a hyper-vigilant awareness of my surroundings and those I interact with on multiple levels. Experiencing molestation, rapes, mental, emotional and physical abuse taught me to keep an awareness of my surroundings, which became second nature to me, of those around me and what their intentions were towards me for survival. I learned to stay aware of my surroundings and those within it. When I am not aware pain and suffering IS the result. The one who gets caught, becomes angry and even violent with the ones witnessing what they are doing. This violence was training for learning to keep secrets and stay silent.
As a child I witnessed similar things with the adults around me. I came to understand none of them were committed to the relationships they were in. All of them were there to get whatever they could and get out. Essentially what I was witnessing was an intent to use anyone they could, to get what they wanted. I was to keep silent about what I was seeing and hearing. If I did not keep silent force was their answer.
This purview has stuck with me most of my life. This understanding of the lack of commitment, honesty and authenticity within ones relationship of self and those they interact with. Everyone is taught to wear a mask or put up a false front or façade about who they are. What their intentions are. What they really want when they are connecting with you.
As I look at these things with Holy Spirit I am being shown visions or replays from my childhood, of the judgments being handed to me. I am also being shown a judgment I made all on my own. I judged anyone not being completely honest and authentic were conniving manipulative users and abusers who were horribly evil and did not care who they were hurting. This was my judgment of this type of behavior. These Beings were not to be trusted in any way for any reason. Personal first hand experience had shown me whenever I ignored this instinct to get away, I would get hurt by these people and their actions.
What I have been getting shown is, all of us mimic what we see when we are children. We copy what we see our parents and care givers do and we do so without questioning why we are. First I watched the adults around me use and abuse anyone they would cross paths with. Then I watched my cousins and siblings do the same. I have even walked this road myself, as a teenager. Those patterns are usually the ones which bring approval and acceptance. Sometimes those patterns are destructive. Destructive of self and of others, all without any consciousness of doing so. No one is exempt from this training. All of us are taught to watch for and repeat certain patterns.
I find I want to believe I am imagining whatever it is I am experiencing. I want to believe I am making it all up in my head just as everyone tells me. I want to believe I am the one with the misconceptions here. I want to judge myself based on every other persons judgments of who and what they think I am and am doing. All so I may be accepted. All to avoid being beat to death. Because this is what I was taught the results would be. A beating!
In doing A Course in Miracles I have learned to let go my judgments. To accept and allow and to question what everything is for and to never assume. I have let go my judgments people who act in these ways are wrong, bad, evil and so on. Holy Spirit has shown me my judgments and given me the corrections. All of us are looking for acceptance and approval. All of us repeat the patterns we are shown and taught with a belief, THIS MUST BE TRUE.
Holy Spirit is telling me what I was experiencing was instinctual. It was a fight or flight response learned. Being a Psychic Intuitive Empath, I understood the energy, their intent and it had nothing to do with my mind or thoughts. It was all visceral, natural and instinctual. My experiences have taught me a hyper-vigilant awareness I now use instinctively. I use this ability subconsciously with all my interactions. I have learned to accept this ability of knowing what the intent may be of those I cross paths with. It has shown me who still wears a mask and who is being authentic. In everything I choose the authentic over the illusion.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.