Hello world. The following was written 8/05/2018.
As I reread my posts from last night I am struck by something interesting. I am finding words within my writings that I have absolutely no freaking idea what the hell they mean. Like the word adjunct. I had no idea what the heck that meant until I looked it up a few moments ago. I get it that I am a Channel for Holy Spirit when He decides to step in and take the reigns.
Still, do you have to use words I have never seen before? I get this silly foolish feeling inside about this. It is a feeling of, I wrote this but I have no idea what that means or where it even came from. I must be dumb to not understand my own writings. OMG!!! Why must I constantly look up the meaning of this stuff? Can you not use words I know and understand already? Yeah, this girl is loosing it. I am spending my morning looking up definitions, blah!
My path crossed with someone recently who asked me a question that has been playing in the back of my mind ever since. They asked me, “How is everything I have gone through or will go through is for my benefit? How can losing my handbag been of benefit?” My answer to the latter was, if you had not misplaced your purse you never would have met my Husband and I. As for the first question, how do I explain an understanding? A change in perception and perspective. A letting go of a belief in something so deeply rooted you allowed yourself to believe that THAT is what defines you. That, THAT is who and what you are.
Holy Spirit has been drilling it into me lately that these judgments I have been holding onto from the cradle are what I have been using to define who and what I am or should I say am not. Growing up children are taught that they should do this or that. Some is based on gender. Some on fears. All are based off of judgments and opinions handed out from one generation to the next for centuries. These same judgments and opinions are also shared with all those we come into contact with creating invisible walls built on the principles of guilt, shame, blame, fear and punishment. These walls keep us bound and in constant servitude to the world of the egoistic mind that acts like the roof of this prison we have built for ourselves.
And build it we did. When we choose to believe in and follow the opinions and judgments of others blindly without questioning as to why. When I first started this course I was faced with looking at the traumas of my childhood. The middle of the night visits from molesters. The rapes as punishments. Being told I was damaged goods. Unworthy of love. Unworthy of kindness. Being told you are bad. You did it to yourself. You asked for it, laying there looking all cute in your diapers and frills at 9 months. You ask for it1 Being kicked across the room when all you did was ask for a hug and love like all 10 month old’s do. Throwing a glass at someone constitutes a raping at 9 years old.
In believing those judgments as Truth I enacted them on myself every day. I believed I was only here to be used and abused. I am just a punching bag for folks to take out their frustrations on. As I cried my heart out to understand what all of this was about I received vision after vision. Each one showing me my misperceptions and the absolute Truth of what was happening.
The rage being inflicted on me was more self directed. I was just there in that moment. They were enraged and judging themselves as being a failure. I was the proof of their failure to control their child. The others were harder to understand. Yet I perceive that they were simply expressing what they believed was love. Why in that way? Because they never stopped to ask themselves if that was really love. That is what was shown to them. They are simply repeating a pattern without asking why.
As these things became clearer and the light began to shine through, I began to let go of these judgments I had believed in as Truth all my life. That in everything we are repeating what we were taught. Those teaching us are simply repeating what they were taught all without questioning as to why am I doing this. As each vision ended I saw my choices before me. I could continue to believe in and enact these judgments on myself believing these things define who and what I am, or I could accept the Truth that none of it has anything to do with me at all. I just happened to be there in that moment to witness what they believe to be Truth in their minds.
Nothing has happened to me. There is nothing for me to forgive ever. If I am believing something has gone wrong or is bad I am misconceiving. I am believing in that moment God has made a mistake. That simply is not possible. God is perfect and so am I. I define who and what I am. I am not my body. I am not my clothing. I am not my home, business, family or friends. I am not defined by what anyone thinks of me. Only I am able to define me. Because in the end the opinion that will matter for me is my own. What I think and believe of myself is all that will ever matter. For I am the only one who will be living with me and my thoughts and feelings. These choices are mine. It is all up to me. To be or not to be? That really is the question. Am I living for you all or am I here to live for me?
How have these things been of benefit to me? They have helped me to see ME through the fog and veils of the judgments I was taught to believe. They have helped me to truly look within my own heart and mind to see what it is I value. What is it I really believe in and am placing my faith into? Why am I thinking this? Where did that thought or judgment come from? They have made me question the very foundations of what I was told was the absolute Truth all my life. In doing so I am now seeing it all as the farce it is. Every judgment is a lie. In learning to accept and allow myself to be exactly as I am without judging myself I am learning to love myself fully. I am now finding peace where there was none.
Have these things been of benefit to me? Oh yes they certainly have.
Thank you Father.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.