Hello world. The following was written 10/31/2015.
Someone recently asked me a question which has been playing in the back of my mind. They asked, “How has everything you have gone through or will go through, for your benefit? How could losing my handbag of been of benefit?” My response to the latter was, if you had not misplaced your purse you never would have met my Husband and I. As for the first question. How do I explain an understanding, a change in perception and perspective. A letting go of a belief in something so deeply rooted, you allowed yourself to believe IT is what defines you. IT is who and what you are.
Holy Spirit has shown me these judgments I have been holding onto from the cradle, are what I have been using to define who and what I am or should I say, am not. Growing up children are taught they should do this or that. Some is based on gender. Some on fears. All are based off of judgments, labels and opinions handed out from one generation to the next for centuries. These same judgments, labels and opinions are also shared with all those we come into contact with, creating invisible walls built on the principles of guilt, shame, fear, blame and punishment. These walls keep us bound in constant servitude to the world of the egoistic mind which acts like the roof of this prison we have built for ourselves. And build it we did. When we choose to believe in and follow the labels, opinions and judgments of others blindly without questioning as to why, we imprison ourselves into a cage of our own making.
When I first started A Course In Miracles I was faced with looking at the traumas of my childhood. The middle of the night visits from molesters. Rapes as punishments. Told I was damaged goods. Unworthy of love, kindness. Told you are bad. You did it to yourself. You asked for it, laying there looking all cute in your diapers and frills at 9 months. You ask for it, kicked across the room because you asked for hugs and love like all babies do. Throwing a glass at someone constitutes a raping.
In believing those judgments as Truth, I enacted them on myself every day. I believed I was only here to be used and abused. I believed I was a punching bag for others to take out their frustrations on. As I cried my heart out to understand what all of this was about, I received vision after vision. Each one showing me my misconceptions and the absolute Truth of what was happening.
The rage being inflicted on me, was self directed. I was there in the moment. They were enraged, judging themselves as being a failure. I was the proof of their failure, to control their child. The others were harder to understand. Yet, I perceive they were simply expressing what they believed was love. Why in this way? Because they never stopped to ask themselves, if it was really love. It is what was shown to them. They are simply repeating a pattern without asking, why.
As things became clearer, the light began to shine through. I began to let go of the judgments I believed in as Truth. Understanding we are repeating, what we were taught. Those teaching us, are simply repeating what they were taught. Teaching without questioning, why they are teaching this. As each vision ended, I saw my choices before me. I could continue to believe in and enacting judgments on myself, believing they define who and what I am. Or I could accept the Truth, none of it has anything to do with me. I just happened to be there in the moment to witness what they believe to be Truth, in their minds.
Nothing has happened to me. There is nothing for me to forgive. If I am believing something has gone wrong or is bad, I am misconceiving. I am believing in the moment, God has made a mistake. This simply is not possible. God is perfect and so am I. I define who and what I AM. I am not my body. I am not my clothing. I am not my home, business, family or friends. I am not defined by what anyone thinks of me. Only I, am able to define me. Because in the end the opinion which will matter for me, is my own. What I think and believe of myself, is what will matter. I am the one who will be living with my thoughts and feelings. These choices are mine. It is up to me. To be or not to be? This really is the question. Am I living for you, or am I here to live for me?
How have these things been of benefit to me? They have helped me to see me, through the fog and veils of the judgments I was taught to believe. They have helped me to truly look within my own heart and mind, to see what it is I value. What is it I really believe in and am placing my faith into? Why am I thinking this? Where did this thought and judgment come from?
These visions of my past experiences, made me question the very foundations of what I was told was the absolute Truth. In questioning, I am now seeing it as the farce it is. Every label and judgment is a lie. In learning to accept and allow myself to be exactly as I AM without judging myself, I am learning to love myself fully. I am finding peace, where there was none. Have these things been of benefit to me? Oh yes they certainly have. Thank you Father.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.