Hello world. The following was written 4/26/2015.
In the first year of trying to do A Course in Miracles with the teacher that had been chosen I had a lot of conflicts arise within me. One of the first ones were grudges and another was that I had asked for everything I was going through throughout my life. That the rapes, molestation’s, beatings, exorcisms, canings, mental and emotional abuses I experienced I asked for. I really had a hard time with these. How could I as a child or infant ask for the things done to me?
As I was doing the workbook lessons and looking at the thoughts in my mind Holy Spirit gifted me with a waking vision. It was to be the first of many. I was holding a grudge against my Husband’s buddy. In the vision Holy Spirit showed my Husband’s buddy and I sitting at my kitchen table. Holy Spirit had me tell him what I was holding onto.
I was holding onto him trying to get my husband to cheat on me. On him guilting and shaming my Husband to do whatever he wanted him to do with manipulations such as, “Oh I need money, buy this from me so I am not really borrowing. Dude, I can hook you up with some fine ladies. What the wife don’t know… Come do a craigslist ad with me… I will hook you up.” Yeah, I was seeing him as trying his best to destroy my marriage and my relationship with my Husband. This on top of what I was already going through with my motorcycle accidents and everything else.
That day Holy Spirit gifted me with the vision of being able to tell these things to my Husband’s friend at my kitchen table. To tell him I no longer wanted to hold onto these things and I was giving them back to him. As soon as I said these words I could feel a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders and an expansion happening within the center of my chest. I was feeling free from the torment I had been holding onto for so many years.
A week or so later He showed up on our doorstep. I was no longer feeling the anger and animosity I had been feeling for years. I was even able to tell him I love him and actually mean it. I could now see how it was he was creating his own personal hell and I now felt only compassion for his plight. In his mind he was and is a victim of the world he sees. Everything he would focus on he would manifest within his life. Alcohol and drug addictions, relationship, money, and homelessness issues. He created it all by constantly focusing on them.
In a similar way I was doing the same thing in my own life. I was continuously focusing on everything that had happened to me in my life. A picture was beginning to form in my mind as to what it was I would be doing in this process. I wasn’t far off. Holy Spirit was going to have me looking at everything without exception. I was not going to be able to pick and choose what I wanted to look at and let go of. It was to be an all or nothing decision. I simply had to make the choice.
Except there was no longer a choice for me. If I didn’t start looking at these things and correcting what I was believing I was not going to continue living. I had already reached a point in my life were I knew I could not continue as I had been. Suicide was the only option if I did. I would not and could not continue living as I was. I was going to work this process. Failure was not an option for failure was a living death and I, I wanted to live.
From the beginning Holy Spirit has asked me continuously, What do you believe in your heart? What are you placing your faith and trust into? What is giving you faith and belief there is a God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and Angels? When I started my process in 2004 I didn’t believe in any of them.
I took a leap of faith and stepped off the cliff into an abyss of uncertainty to find myself being lifted up higher and higher as I let go and gave over what I believed to be the Truth within me. In return I now know where I am placing my faith and trust. I now know what it is I am believing as Truth. I now know who my Guides are and the Truth will only come from within me.
I am on my own personal journey to seek the Truth within me. I will never find the answers out there in the world, from another brother or in some book. The best they can do is offer me the signals I need to look within. Other then that, I am on my own with Holy Spirit as my Guide and source of direction. Holy Spirit will lead me home from within.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.