Hello world. The following was written 09/20/2016.
I share the understandings given me of abuse and that which I had experienced and was taught to accept as a child growing up. There is no difference between a man or a woman when it comes to abuse. They are both equally capable of meting out the same style and types of abuse. In every situation we are the one who is choosing to accept it and allow it to continue happening for us.
Have you ever considered there are NO victims in this world? In every instant we are given a choice in how we will experience any given situation. Everything we experience is for our benefit. Each experience has a lesson within it, sitting there waiting to teach us about ourselves and who we truly are within. Have you ever considered any of this? Accept and allow what you experience may be different from what another experiences and every situation is perfect for you.
I spent 6 1/2 years with my Son’s father. After my son was born shit hit the fan fast. I stand 5′ tall even. My Ex was 6′ 6″ x 6′ 6″…meaning he weighed in at around 450 lbs to my 165 lbs. After my son was born my ex began throwing things at me and shoving me around. Then he started picking me up by my arms and shaking me like a rag doll. The day I left him he had picked me up shaking me and slamming me up against a wall. Our son was in my arms. He was almost two at the time. In that moment I knew I needed to leave. I was not going to allow my child to watch his mother be beaten to death in front of him. That was 22 years ago and I must say my life has only improved since then.
Three years into the relationship, my ex began to be mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive. Saying I was useless, no other man would want me, I was so loose he needed a 2×4 tied to his ass to keep from falling in. They were very mean and derogatory comments meant to wear me down and make me feel worthless and hopeless. Just after our son was born the physical abuses began.
Women are and can be just as abusive as men. Consider this aspect and you will see there is no difference betwixt them. They are equal in every way. What I am speaking of, is a recognition what is experienced in regards abuse whether given or received is not exclusive to men or women. It is equal to both. Women experience the same kind of reactive responses to fear as men do and is apparent in how our society is.
When I said “consider”, I was sharing an understanding there is no separation between male and female for both genders are within us. Our responses are learned. They are taught to us. I am looking at the psychology at play behind the experiences we have and why we do what we do. It is the process Holy Spirit my Guides have me do at all times with everything which comes before me, no matter how small or how large it may seem.
What Holy Spirit and my Guides have been teaching me is, nothing is to be kept private. When I am completely open, honest and authentic with nothing being hidden I am free. Free to express myself without fear of being judged in any way. It is only when I am hiding something, fear rears it’s ugly head. Because in those moments, I have a secret I am believing will hurt me. Growing up I was told many times, just because it happens does not mean it is to be talked about. Hiding the rapes, molestation’s, beatings, exorcisms, canings, mental and emotional abuses, kept me in a mental cage which was being created by me and those around me.
A cage of control and manipulations, all held within my mind and being used by my family to get me to conform to their dictates and will. I had to look at and understand my own choices to believe what was being said and done to me, before I could let them go and heal completely from them. As I looked within at the things I was taught, I watched my body heal diseases as I let go those things I was believing in. Holy Spirit and my Guides tells me, “Share your journey love, so your brothers may heal too.”
Something I have come to understand is, I was trained to accept abusive types of treatment from others from my early childhood. The way my family treated me and talked to me, laid out the ground work for how others would treat me and talk to me. In many ways, my Ex simply followed my families lead in how they treated me. He would watch them and mimic their treatment of me. Even to the physical aspects, for he had watched my family throw things at me, call me names, hit me and even shake me.
I had to accept responsibility for my choices to accept their judgments of me and how they were treating me. I also had to accept I was and had been judging everything I was experiencing, which is what was causing most of my internal pain, anguish and suffering. My own choices to judge and accept judgments, as defining me.
In studying A Course in Miracles, I have come to understand words are but symbols of symbols thrice removed (more like four or five times removed). They will have three separate understood meanings for each Being. The first being, what their family units have taught them the meaning shall be. The second, what society has dictated the meaning shall be. The third, would be our emotional attachments we have placed on the word to mean what we believe it to mean. Each of these are understood as being the “man made” meanings and beliefs. Yet, there is a fourth meaning, which is as God or Source would have it mean.
I have found on my journey much of what I have experienced I have either judged or accepted a judgment of it, from someone else. Holy Spirit and my Guides had me looking within at all of these experiences and the judgments which have been draped in front of them as a veil, to hide the Truth of what was actually there from all eyes. In everything there is a psychology at play, which has us being brainwashed from birth to repeat a dysfunctional pattern of judgments. All created to control and manipulate how one perceives. Having one handing over their Free Will to another again and again, without conscious thought as to what it is they do.
I have had many NDE’s(Near Death Experience) in my lifetime. The first when I was born and the second around 9 months old when my grandmother kicked me across a room into a fireplace. The next at two then three and so forth. My last would have been my motorcycle accident in 2004 when I was thrown from my bike instead of being decapitated by a barbed wire fence. I knew I was not going to make it. Yet, I also knew I was not done here. In that moment I asked, what do I do? I was told to close my eyes and relax by a Voiceless Voice so deep, calm, and loving, I had no thought but to obey it. This moment was a catalyst for me to start my journey inward and back into my Father’s loving arms.
The Voiceless Voice started me on a journey to healing and it all started within when I stopped and asked, what do I do? I wanted and needed to hear the Voiceless Voice again. As I laid in a bed unable to move, recuperating from the accident I started talking to a God I hated and blamed for all I had experienced in my short life. I gave an ultimatum stating, He show me how to get out of the hell I was in without wading through a bunch of bullshit or I was done. I would be checking out via suicide and would be seeing Him face to face shortly. The Voiceless Voice told me to start paying attention to all I am taking within me. To start questioning what I take in whether it be food, medicine, words, music, reading or watching. Pay attention to ALL I take into me. What I take in effects me on all levels. I stopped looking out there and started looking within my heart and mind to see what choices I was making to believe in the things I was then.
This is one aspect and portion of the journey which is my life. There are many other pieces which create the whole of which is the Being I call Sabrina Reyenga, in manifest from. Like a crystal holds many inclusions within it which create a fractured impression. The same can be said of me and the Holy Spirit within me. Like the crystal I am filled with a multitude of levels of depths which are only slightly being touched upon at this moment. Yet there is so much more of me to learn. The deeper I go, the more I learn I know even less than I thought I did.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.