Hello world. The following was written 11/20/2016.
Thank you for sharing where you are at on your journeys, my brothers. The fact you are seeing what you are doing and have done in the past, says quite a lot about where you are now. When you share your journeys, you re-enforce we are or have experienced the same or similar things.
In my own experiences, I have had to look within, at everything I am thinking, feeling, saying, doing, and choosing to believe. I have had to really look within at my own intentions, regarding the situations and the people involved. I had to question myself and ask Holy Spirit to show me the absolute Truth.
Am I doing what I am doing to get something? If I am, what is it I am trying to get from this? I begin by stopping myself from making excuses, as to why I should not question these things. Then I start asking myself, Holy Spirit and God questions. I ask to be shown the absolute Truth, so I can see what I am choosing and why.
I look within at what it is I am choosing to believe about myself, the situation and those involved. Am I seeking out there in another for who I am? Am I placing them on a pedestal? Am I superimposing some imaginary picture over them and myself to make them better in some way?
I honestly and authentically look within my own heart and mind at every aspect of the situation. I look at all the little details coming up, questioning each one. I leave no stone un-turned in my search of the Truth of what it is I am doing in this moment, even if it is unconsciously. I have learned to question EVERYTHING!
There is another aspect you may not fully be aware of or understand is happening, while these things are in play. I have found this item to be true, in my own life and relationship with my Husband. Sometimes, when we find ourselves in a relationship, and I am not talking about romance here, the one we have connected with will lead us where we would not have otherwise gone on our own.
An example of this would be, my relationship with my Husband and ACIM. I would have never looked at, let alone read, ACIM, if it had not been for my Husband choosing to do so first. I was and had been a solitary practitioner of Wicca, Druidism, and Shamanism from the age of 14 by this time in my life. I hated God and blamed God for all I had experienced in my life. I blamed God, for the rapes, molestations, beatings, exorcisms, canings, mental and emotional abuses. I blamed God, for my pain and suffering at the hands of others.
My relationship and marriage were on the verge of collapse when my Husband decided to try the course. Up until then he had only experienced Scientology as a religion, through his parents. It was our hope it would save our relationship and marriage. We have been married for 4 years and together for 17. We started the Course a month after we married. Our intentions were laid out, before we tried ACIM. We wanted to save our relationship and the love we had for each other.
In my mind at the time, I held a belief, if I did this Course with him, it would make him happy. He would finally accept me as I am. He would stop seeking out other women as a possible solution, to all the problems he had with our relationship. Being a Psychic Intuitive Empath, I could feel the absolute Truth underlining his need to seek out his ex’s and other women as “friends”. He had an intention to have an affair and a new relationship, to replace this one.
All my life I was in denial of who I AM and the abilities I have been given by God. My ability to sense the absolute Truth of another’s intentions, even when that Being is in denial of their own intentions themselves. As we began to do the workbook the first year I began to see what I was doing to myself. How I was denying who I am out of a fear of being judged, by others. Of being rejected by not just the world at large, but of being rejected by my Husband. The man I loved with every fiber of my being.
Some of the thoughts and beliefs I held were as follows, “He had been unfaithful to me. He had lied to me, cheated on me, and was now thinking of leaving me. And still, I loved him and wanted only him. I want no others words in my ear, but his. No other hand touching me, but his. Why did he not love me?”
These were some of the nightmarish thoughts and beliefs floating in and out of my mind, when we first started the Course. These were exactly what the Course brings to the surface, to be healed. I began questioning everything I was believing in, as being true. What I believed defined me. All I have been taught to believe was the absolute Truth, of what defines me and this world I am in.
ACIM had me looking at, what I was thinking and believing was true. At every judgment I made and accepted. I came to understand, I cannot love anyone, if I cannot love myself first. I cannot accept anyone else as they are, if I cannot accept myself exactly as I am. In every moment I was judging myself to be, this or that. I was judging everyone else was better, than I was. I could never accept myself, because I was constantly accepting someone else’s judgments of who I am, as being the absolute Truth. I have learned I have to love myself, before someone else may love me. I have to accept myself as I am, before anyone else can accept me as I am.
In the last 4 years, I have accepted who I am as I am and love myself fully now. I no longer accept the judgments and opinions of others, as defining me. I now recognize when I am being judged by another, in that moment, I am being shown what they think and believe about themselves. Their judgments have nothing to do with me and everything to do with, who they think and believe they are.
I started the Course, to please my Husband. He led me where I would never have gone, on my own. He was a tool being used by God, to get me where God wanted me. My relationship with my Husband has had its ups and downs, in the last 4 years. There have been many times each of us have had thoughts, of walking away. Each time we are given this choice, we have chosen to stay and work on ourselves and our relationship.
We have had to be completely open, honest and authentic, with ourselves and each other. We talk about and share every thought, feeling (physical/body as in pain), emotion, and belief we are and have been holding forth as being true about ourselves, each other, and the world at large. We have had to learn, to allow and accept we do not see, hear, think, experience, or believe everything the same. Each of us are different and hold our own beliefs, in who and what we believe we are. Each of us get to choose these things for ourselves and NO ONE may take these choices from us.
The journey is only a struggle when we are in denial of, some aspect of it. When we refuse to accept, what is as it is. In those moments we are the one judging it. It is our judgments of it, which causes us the conflict, pain and suffering we experience. It is what causes us to see it as a struggle. This journey does not end. It is constantly flowing and changing around us.
In the beginning I held an image of my Husband in my mind. As the years have passed the image has changed here and there. When we started the course the image I held of my Husband, was of my own making. I was seeing what I wanted to see. I was not seeing who he really was, within. As I let go everything I have thought I was, everything I was believing he was, has fallen away. As I see myself more clearly, I am able to see him more clearly too. I see how he chooses to do all the things, I once chose to do. I see how we think and do things in similar ways. We are similar, the same, equals in every way. I chose to see us as different in the beginning. It is what I was taught to believe. Now I see, there are no differences between us.
In letting go all I thought and believed, I have found healing and a deep inner peace within myself with All That Is. It was the journey and struggle of facing myself and my choices to believe, which caused me so much pain and suffering. You were brought to ACIM for a reason. Everything you have experienced has been for your benefit. Each and every relationship has a purpose for being. Each has a lesson within it to show us who we Truly are within.
I do not know what is best for you. All I may say is go within your heart and mind and have a conversation with your inner Guides and God. Start questioning everything you think, believe, say, and do as being true. Sit in stillness and silence and honestly look at every choice and decision you have made to believe in everything you do. Look at how you have accepted every judgment taught to you as being the Truth. Once you see them for what they are, A LIE, ask for the correction to those misconceptions. The correction may not be given unless it is asked for first. Free Will, means YOU have to actively look at it and ASK or it cannot be given to you. This is where the mustard seed of willingness, comes into play.
Go within. Look at what you have chosen. Ask for correction. Be completely open, honest, and authentic with yourself, in where you are and what you are believing. Be willing to accept responsibility for the choices you have made. Understand, you made those choices. Now that you can see them, you CAN choose again and choose differently this time. You have to be willing to see it first, before you can heal it, then change it. It all starts within and it all starts with you and your choices to believe as you do.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.