Hello world. The following was written 3/14/2016.
For the past two weeks I have been in severe pain. The amount of suffering I have endured has amazed me in the extreme. Yet, through all of it I have not been complaining. I have not been asking God why I am being punished or what I have done wrong as I would have in my past. As my pain crescendos to it’s peak my tears flow freely. My cries are caught within the confines of my pillow. Through all of it I ask what it’s purpose is for. How is this of benefit to me?
The very fact I am not reacting to my suffering by lashing out is a milestone in itself. Even at my crankiest I am able to extend love and kindness to my Husband. As my tears flow I see his flowing as well. For in my pain and suffering, he is suffering too. For every spasm I endure he must also endure it. For there is nothing he may do to take away my pain and suffering from me. All he may do is sit here rubbing the spots I point too in the hopes it may help ease my suffering some small bit.
I ask, what the purpose of all this suffering is for? How is any of this of benefit to me? As I have knelt here on my knees and elbows for relief from the pain I watched the dishes pile up in my sink. I watched the laundry overflow the basket and the scum build up in my toilet. Yet, through all of it I was still answering the phone, emails, and scheduling business appointments.
My only guess as to the purpose of all of this, to show me circumstances do not matter, only my state of being matters. Through all of this I am still able to function at a higher state of consciousness. I still had items to look at in regards my beliefs in what defines me.
I found myself experiencing shame, fear, and guilt. I felt guilty for being in pain. I felt guilty for not cleaning my house or cooking meals for my Husband. I felt shame for not being able to do these things as well. Felt I was less than a woman and a wife because I couldn’t do these things. These feelings of shame and guilt also brought up intense fears. Fears my Husband would leave me because I was not able to do these things. Fear he would get tired of me being in pain and suffering and not taking care of him and our home. It did not matter I was taking care of our business in the interim. All that would matter to him would be himself and his home is what I was believing.
Add to all of this, nightmarish dreams punctuated and broken only by the pain of the spasms I was enduring. Nights of fitful tossing and turning as the pain wracked my body. Each dream was a nightmare of beatings and adultery. Of being left all alone to suffer in my misery. Of violently acting out my hurt when the dreams became too intense to tolerate.
I asked Holy Spirit what the hell those dreams were for. I know in my heart my Husband loves me and is not cheating on me. So why these nightmarish dreams of him cheating and leaving me? They are dreams! Dreams are not real! The answer I am given has me scratching my head.
Holy Spirit is telling me those dreams are very real. They are happening and have happened. Our dreams are the doorways to parallel dimensional realities. To all the possibilities and choices we are capable of making. They allow us to experience everything all at once simultaneously. What we choose in those parallel realities effect us in this one. By choosing them there, we negate having to experience them here. We gain the knowledge of those experiences without having to live them here in this lifetime and reality.
Everything is connected. Our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, feelings, and experiences are all connected one unto the other. As I look within at what I am being shown I cannot deny the Truth of it. In my deepest pain and suffering I was looking within at it all. I was being shown it did not matter how harsh my pain was. I could still be at peace within. I could still be joyful and loving to those around me and even to myself.
So what was the purpose of all of this? Was it simply to have me looking at all of these things to discern these Truths? How has this been of benefit to me? It has given me a clarity of understanding how I choose to perceive a situation is my choice. In all of this I had a choice in how I would act and react to all of it. None of these things define me. Just because I am not washing dishes does not make me less of a woman or a wife. Just because I am not cooking and cleaning it does not make me less of a Being. Those are all judgments taught. They are beliefs that are learned. They are not true. They do not define who I am. None of those things will ever define me or anyone else.
I am not my body. I am the Soul within this shell. The pain I endure is a sign for me to look at something I am believing in. It is a sign I have a misperception that needs correction. My misperceptions were these deep seated beliefs these things define me as a person. That my worth and value are based off of how clean I keep my house and how well I feed or fuck my Husband. Those dreams had me getting beaten for not being sexual enough. They had me being left behind for not being submissive enough. That was an eye opener for me. In my mind I was basing my worth and value on those types of things.
Has this been of benefit to me? I have to say that yes it has been. In looking at these things I have kept hidden away within me, I find freedom and healing coming into their places. I see the egoistic beliefs and thought system at play in its most basic forms. I see the layers of the veils being pulled back so the picture becomes clearer and clearer.
Nothing has gone wrong here. Everything will always be for my benefit. Even when I have no understanding as to why things happen the way they do. In looking back at these last two weeks of constant pain and suffering I can see this Truth. I am still in pain. Do I feel as if I am suffering in this? To an extent yes. Yet, I recognize all of this is temporary. I may be suffering right now and I may be in extreme pain at the moment. None of that defines me and will end eventually.
I am left feeling a deep peace within me. In willingly looking at what I perceived I see what it is I have been doing to me.
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.