Hello world. The following was written 4/29/2015.
The following conversation speaks of the shame and guilt we are taught to believe in when things happen to us.
A brother shares, “Today I learned the difference between a pedophile and a child molester. Acceptance of pedophiles can help them to never act on their ideas so never become molesters. Having to hide and be ashamed is not helpful.
I would never touch a child but I have had little girls show up in my sexual fantasies before. I was the little girl. Hahahahaha I am for a world where telling the truth is acceptable.”
My response, “Thank you for sharing where you are brother. There is no need for shame, guilt or fear. I understand what it is you share. There is something that happens when one is touched at a young age an little to no pain is felt. I myself have experienced this. I recognized I enjoyed what I was experiencing in the moment. I was not ashamed or afraid until it was taught to me to be so.
I had no understanding what was done was bad, wrong, sinful or that I “should” feel shame, guilt, and fear until it was taught to me. I was also taught to blame someone else and to see myself as a victim when I was told I was ruined, worthless, damaged and much much more.
In those moments the judgments and opinions were being handed to me I was choosing to believe what was being said. I made the choice and decision to believe in it. In doing so it caused me many years of untold pain and suffering.
I remember talking to a court appointed psychologist. I shared with him I would have dreams of being touched and used. In them I was me but not me. At times I was being passed around like a bottle of water. Other times it was violent and terrifying. I understood they were dreams yet the realness was frightening. The pleasures I felt at being touched made me feel great shame and guilt what had been said had to be true.
The psychologist said something to me that day which has stayed with me ever since. First he told me I wasn’t and had not done anything wrong. There was nothing wrong with me enjoying what I was experiencing if there was no “pain” or “fear” being used at the time. It was a natural response. I did not do anything wrong when I responded naturally to the experience.
This psychologist was the only one out of the five I was forced to see to tell me I did nothing wrong. Every other one I had spoken to had judged ME as the one who did wrong and needed to be punished.
In these moments you are receiving what I call a Miracle Spark. It is the instant you catch yourself thinking, saying and doing something and choose to look at it and ask why you are doing whatever it is. This my brother is the first step to true healing on this journey. Catching ourselves in the moment and choosing differently when we do.”
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.