Hello world. The following was written 4/2/2016.
I can pinpoint the exact moment I made the choice and decision to believe I was unworthy of love, affection, physical touch, and humane treatment. The moment I chose to believe I deserved everything I was experiencing and going through on my journey. I was 9 months old. I judged myself in those moments based off of my circumstances and those around me. Their treatment of me is how I perceived myself. I choose to believe their judgments and opinions of me and the things being done to me defined me. Things like rapes, beatings, molestation, and general cruelties done with intent to punish and separate.
I can also pin the exact moment I made the choice and decision to believe if I was fat it would get them to stop touching me and visiting me. If I was fat I would no longer be attractive to them. I was three years old. This affected the way I started to consume food. I became chubby. At age nine I chose to believe I was doing something wrong. Because the rapes began in strength. I chose to believe I must not be fat enough and ugly enough.
I had no understanding my nine year old body was already showing signs of the woman I would grow into physically. How I looked and was shaped was natural. I simply chose to judge it based off the way I was being treated and the judgments handed to me. The pain and suffering I endured of being treated as less than human.
I chose what it was I was experiencing in each and every situation. I made these decisions all on my own. I chose to believe in the judgments and opinions of those around me as defining who I am. They must be right and know more than I do. I MADE THESE CHOICES! This is how I created my own personal living hell on earth.
When I made those choices and decisions to believe in those things I began to project them out on the world around me. As I projected out these beliefs I was only here to be used and abused, I found myself being molested, beaten on, and raped more often. My beliefs created the world I inhabited. Each time I tried to speak up I was shut down with physical, mental, and emotional abuse. In choosing to believe the judgments handed me I conformed to the dictates of those around me. I began to follow the conforming dictates of society.
Think on this my brothers. If I made my first judgments of what I was experiencing at 9 months old and decided if I was fat they would stop touching me at 3 years old, how early in your own life did you start judging and deciding what you were experiencing was what it was for you? How have you been conforming on your journey?
Blessings on your journeys my brothers. Hugs and love. You are loved. I love you.